You'll Always Be In My Heart
by Braids21
Summary: Slash dutchyspecs, character death.... Can Dutchy cope when Specs leaves him? Angsty angsty, angsty! Read, Review!


 SEQ CHAPTER \h \r 1YOU'LL ALWAYS BE IN MY HEART

Disclaimer: I don't own newsies, yada yada yada, you know the drill

Warning: SLASH (don't like it?  Don't read it!), Angst, character death

A/N - I know I should be working on TJORH, but yeah... writer's block on that (don't worry ill get over it soon) So here's another story!

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"Dutchy?  We need to talk"  

"Um.. Okay.  Whatever you say Specs."

The two selling partners, best friends, and boyfriends, had just finished selling their papes for the day.  Specs led Dutchy into an alleyway.

"Okay, this ain't easy but.. Dutchy?  I think we should stop seeing each other."

"What?"  Dutchy said, stopping in his tracks.  "Why?"

"I'm sorry, but for two reason.  And I bet they will contradict each other, too.  One, I can't take the secrets.  I need to be able to talk freely.  I want to be proud I have a boyfriend.  But I can't."

"If that's what's up, then we can tell!  I don't care what they say!  We'll have each other..."

"Dutch... the second reason is that I met a girl."

"..Oh.." Dutchy said quietly, dropping his eyes.

"Dutch, ya gotta understand.  I've never felt that way for a girl.  But with Braids, it's different.  I've, um, also been with her for a week..."

"Specs, how could you do this to me?  I'm you best friends for godsake!  Don't you know you mean the world to me?  Specs, I love you!"

Specs hesitated for a second, then said, "I'm sorry... but I don't."

Desperately trying to stop the wet tears from flowing down his cheeks, Dutchy turned around and walked away, saying, "I need some space..."

Once he was out of the alleyway, Specs ran a hand through his hair and sighed, "What have I done?"

An hour later, Dutchy sat alone at a booth at Tibby's while all his friends played poker a few tables away.

"Hiya Dutchy!" Skittery started.  "What's wrong?  Why ya all alone?  Come play some poker!"

"Oh, it's nothing."  Dutchy said, quickly wiping the tears away. "I don't really feel like playin'."

"Ya sure?"  Dutchy nodded.

"Okay.. Anway, do you know where Specs is?  He was supposed to meet us here."

At the mention of Specs, Dutchy had winced.  Luckily, he didn't have to answer, because in walked Specs, with his arm around a girl with dark brown hair parted into two pigtail braids and glasses.

"Oh there he is! And who's the girl?"  Skittery said.

All of their friends greeted Specs and asked who the girl was.  Specs answered them politely, all while searching the room with his eyes.  He finally stopped and locked eyes with Dutchy.  He inwardly cringed and mentally kicked himself for bringing Braids to Tibby's, when he knew Dutchy would be there.  His eyes, Specs saw, were red from crying.  Specs couldn't take seeing him like that and broke his gaze.

Dutchy dropped his head after Specs broke the gaze.  He couldn't take looking at him and that girl.  What did she have that he didn't?  Why could she make him happy but he couldn't He looked up again at Specs just in time to see him kiss her gently on the cheek.  Dutchy's stomach was in knots.  With one last glance at Specs, Dutchy ran out of Tibby's as fast as he could, despite the looks he got from his friends.

"What did I do?"  Specs thought to himself, while watch his former friend run out.

Later that night....

After crying his eyes out in bed for over an hour, Dutchy got up in the night, quietly so he didn't wake up the other occupants of the Lodging House.  He walked towards the washroom, where he searched in the dark, along the shelves.  His hand pricked metal, and he quickly grabbed the piece off the shelf and hurried into a stall and locked himself in.  As he brought the razor blade out, his thoughts were all of Specs.

_Why'd he do this to me?  We were happy!  I was the happiest I've ever been these past few months.  Ah, I love him so much.  What does she have that I don't?  Why the all of a sudden change of heart?  He was my first everything..  First love, first kiss... What did I do to him to have him do this?  Why does he not want me?_

_I can't take life without him.. So this is the only way..._

Dutchy brought the blade close to his wrist.  In one swift motion, he slashed his left wrist.  Blood oozed out, onto the floor and all over his arm.  He didn't even feel the pain.

Shaking, he switched the blade to his left hand and was about to slash the other when someone loudly entered the washroom, causing his to drop the blade on the ground.  He cursed under his breath.

Specs whirled around at the sound of something dropping.

"Hello?  Is anyone in here?"  He said, walking toward the noise.

_...Oh shit, oh god, it's Specs.  No, not now, god, not now..._

Specs got no answer. "Oh well, must have just been my imagination.." He stopped as he saw the moonlight reflect off something under a closed stall.

"What da.." he said, walking closer.  He leaned down, and saw the blade lying in a pool of dripping blood.

"Holy shit!"  Specs said and started pounding on the door.  "Who's in there?  Come on, you don't want to do this...PLEASE whoever is in there, unlock the door.  Don't do this!"

By now, Dutchy's wrist was starting to really hurt.  

_...I don't care that it's Specs out there.  I ain't unlocking the door... And I'm getting the blade..._

He reached his hand down to pick up the blade.

Specs saw this and quickly reacted, yelling and banging on the door, desperately trying to pick the lock.  Suddenly, he stopped.

"...I know those hands.. Oh my god.. DUTCHY! NO! Please, Dutchy, ya can't do this!  I'm sorry!  No please, god don't do this!"

_...Great, he figured out.  I don't want his pity.  I got to end this once and for all..._

He slowly put the blade up to his right wrist and slashed.

Just as Specs opened the door.

"NO!"  Specs screamed, as Dutchy tumbled out onto Specs.  Then he saw his wrists, flowing blood.  "Oh god.. I'm sorry.  I never meant to hurt you!"

Dutchy just looked at him, with pain written all over his face.

Specs knew he had to do something. "KLOPPMAN!  GUYS! ANYONE! HELP!"

Jack was the first to run to the washroom, hearing Specs's cry.  He stopped short when he saw Dutchy lying in Specs' arms, blood surrounding him.

"Oh my god, what happened?"

"Okay, everyone, let me through!"  Kloppman went over to Dutchy, who was starting to fade.

After checking his wrists, Kloppman slowly turned to the anxious eyes of the boys and said, "I'm sorry, there's nothing we can do."

"NO!  Dutchy, NO!  Why?  Come on, don't leave me!  I'm sorry!  I know I hurt you, I screwed up!  Please, I didn't mean for this to happen to you."  Specs said, his voice cracking from sobbing.

Dutchy looked up at Specs and said quietly, "...I just couldn't take the pain.  I'll always love you."  He leaned forward a little and lightly kissed Specs.

Then he went limp in Specs' arms.

For the next minute, everything was eerily silent.  Then Specs exploded into hysterical cries.

"DUTCHY!  Come back!  No, you can't be gone!  NOO!"  He cried, hugging Dutchy's body tightly.

Eventually, all his friends tried to pull him away, but Specs wouldn't let them.

"NO!  Don't you get it? It's MY FAULT he's dead.  MINE! I hadn't done that, he'd still be alive!  And if I had gotten the lock open two seconds earlier, he would be alive!"

"Specs, you know it's not your fault."  Mush said gently.

"Yes it is!  I was such an idiot!  But I was scared.  I just wanted to be normal!"

He was well-aware that everyone had been staring at him since Dutchy had kissed him, and now they were still staring.  But nevertheless, he continued.

"When I was with him, I was always so happy.  He made me feel so special.  But I hated keeping secrets.  And I was scared.  So when I met Braids, I jumped at the chance...

"...Dutchy loved me.  And I still love him.  And I will never forgive myself for doing this.  Dutchy is dead because of ME.  I am to blame.  So please don't tell me it's not my fault, because I know it is.  So just leave me alone!"

When he looked up at his friends, their eyes were all completely shocked, but still understanding.  Slowly, they all filed out, leaving Specs alone with Dutchy's bloody body.

Slowly, he walked over to Dutchy and dropped to his knees.  He reached out and pushed Dutchy's blond hair out of his face.

"Oh Dutchy... You don't know how much I wish I hadn't done that.  I know I hurt you.  I just want you to know how sorry I am.  I know you'll always love me, but I want you to know that I'll always love you too.  Goodbye, love"

He leaned forward and kissed Dutchy's cold lips one last time. "You'll always be in my heart."

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A/N - wow... didn't think that would be so sad, but it was!  Sorry!

Review time!  Make me happy!

~Braids

  



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